This is not for the prude or faint hearted. If you want to know about leisurely travel when it took you four weeks to reach London and you had so much time on hand that even the unromatic became romantic, read on. The students learned the basics of survival during the voyage. The sea air encouraged romance.
INNOCENTS ABROAD
It was a sweltering afternoon in august ‘49 of the last century. The place was the Victoria docks in Bombay harbour and SS Jal Azad, a passenger ship was moving out of the docks to the accompaniment of the national anthem to sail to the Tilbury docks in London. The dock was crowded with relatives and friends bidding goodbye to the passengers. The ship’s decks were filled with passengers waving good bye to their relatives and to the land which they will not see for some time or not at all. The lower decks were filled with suited and booted students and the top deck with a majority of Brits returning home. They were a relaxed crowd in shorts and sports shirt with glasses of gin in their hands. Among them you could make out a handful of students who were either very well off to travel in first class or had no option due to shortage of sailings.
On the top deck amidst the Brits and some well to do Indians were two odd figures. They were clad in woollen sports jacket, tie and grey flannels. They looked lost and forlorn and almost in tears at leaving their beloved country for a foreign land across the seas. One had a normal haircut and his forehead was smeared with sacred ash. The other boy really looked striking with a gold laced turban on his head. These two continued waving to their parents on the dock till the ship took a turn and headed outwards. They had a magnificent view of the Gateway of India and the Taj hotel but this was lost on them.
The deck was deserted as the ship headed out to the Arabian Sea. The two forlorn boys lingered on for a long time and then made their way to their cabin.
As they entered the cabin they were shocked to see a hairy man on the lower bunk near the window in his underpants humming away with a glass of gin in his hands reading Men Only magazine. He jumped up on seeing the boys and shouted- ‘Out- you louts’. After the initial shock the turbaned student stood his ground and said ‘Sir, these are our berths and we have tickets.’ Billimoria sent for the steward and demanded that the two students be removed. The steward politely told him that they the two were legal passengers. Billimoria –“Oh what has the fucking world come to”? He took a swig of gin and said “Ok.Ok. Not a pip from you boys. You got it?”. The boys shaken but defiant sat on their berths and Muthuswamy took of off his turban and tossed his head. Billimoria shot up from bed and shouted – ‘By gaaaad. What is that groovy hair style you have. Never seen the like of it anywhere in the world!’
Muthuswamy was having the traditional tam brahm hair cut common those days. The front half of the hair is shaved off (having the effect of loosing you front half of your hair) but the rear is allowed to grow and tied into a knot. ‘Sir it is our traditional hairstyle.’
‘You must have a lot guts to wear it and go to England. How long will you keep it.’ –Billimoria
‘Sir. I will have it always. I have given my word to my grandmother.’- Muthu
‘ Well well. I never heard anything like that. No need to call me Sir. We are going to be together for four weeks You can shorten my name.’
‘Yes sir. Sorry I meant Billy.’-Muthu
‘Oh no. That sounds like Billy the goat. You may call me Homi’.
The double gins and the shock of having two country bumpkins as roommates was too much and Bllimoria went into hibernation. The two boys started to whisper to each other in Tamil discussing how to stay with the rakshsasa for four weeks. They went out to deck to watch the sunset and were talking in Tamil when they were hailed by a lady in slacks –‘ Tamil Iyer passangalas?’
The boys were shocked and pleased. Shocked at seeing an Indian woman in slacks and tops. Pleased that there was some one who was talking Tamil. Like drowning people hanging on driftwood in the water they latched on to this lady in a strange and revealing dress. They poured their woe about the uncouth lout of the Parsee rakshasasa. They were in seventh heaven when they heard Sweta had lived in Madras and had tambrahm neighbours and friends. She had studied in Madras and was now a gynaecologist in Bombay. She told them that she knew Billimoria and they were not to worry .She would speak to him. She advised them to come in shirt sleeves to the dining table and she would talk to the steward about their veggie food.
When they got back the boys were delighted to see that Billimoria was not there. They munched some murukku and spruced up and made their way to the dining room. They were shown their table by the Goan steward who whispered to them ‘Do not worry. Everything has been taken care of.’ The other two seats at the table were vacant. Soon Sweta joined them to the boys delight. She told the boys that their names Sathyavageeswaran and Muthusway were too long for the Brtis to handle and they will be called Sat and Mut. She told them not to worry and that she would help them to find their feet. The steward showed Billimoria his table and when he saw the boys he howled- ‘Oh no! Not you two greenhorns again. I have enough of you in the cabin’. Sweta- ‘Now, now, Homi be civil to the boys and help them. Have you forgotten your first trip abroad when you looked like a frightened mongrel?’ Homi-‘ Well well who do we have here? With you around I can put up with anything.’ He hugged and kissed Sweta.
Soup was served. Sat and Mut were hesitant till Sweta told them it was pure veggie. The boys were hungry and promptly took soup bowl in both their hands and started to gulp it. ‘Oh my gaaad’- Homi. Swseta quickly told the boys –‘Not that way boys. Put the bowl down and use the soup spoon. Here let me show you.’ Homi called the waiter and asked him to get him a double whisky with a splash of soda and drank it off to drown his frustration. The dining hall had filled up and Sat with his horizontal viboothi on his forehead and Mut with his gold laced turban attracted attention and snide smiles. The main course was boiled vegetables with pickles for the boys and they tried to eat with fork in their right hand but Sweta quickly taught them the correct Brit way using knife and fork. Homi started attacking his steak with the knife and fork but could make no headway as the knife would not cut through. He shouted for the waiter and shouted -‘What is this- a piece of leather?’. The waiter politely told him that he was using the wrong side of the knife and demonstrated how soft the steak was. Mut and Sat started laughing till Homi looked at them with murderous eyes. ‘You mutts .You are becoming too big for your shoes. Wait till I get back to the cabin’. Sweata also laughed and said-‘Homi. You should not gulp down your drinks. See what happens’ The rest of the dinner passed off in silence and back in the cabin Homi fell asleep immediately thanks to the double whiskies taken in quick succession.
The next few days helped the boys to get used to the strange new ways and customs. Sweta played a big part spending a lot of time talking to the boys. Even the rakshasa Homi was friendly to them after tasting the murukku and seedai made by their grandmother for the journey. Homi said this was the best short eats to have with the afternoon gin and tonic. He regaled them with stories of his student days in Oxford before the war.
Sweta was very worried as to how the boys will handle English girls given their innocence. She told Homi that he should tell them the facts of life and precautions to be taken if they fall to temptation. Homi reluctantly agreed as he felt that after he had enjoyed their murukku and saeedai this was the least he could do. One night after dinner he took the boys to the top deck and sitting on a bench beneath a life boat he hemmed and hawed. A warm breeze was blowing and in the distance you just make out the lights of Aden.
Homi-‘Boys you will be meeting a lot girls and you have to be careful.’
Sat-‘I know Homi sir. Our granny told us. She told us not to succumb to temptation but if we did we have to take precautions not to get infected. She asked us to ask some Indian doctor or friends.’
Homi thought to himself she must be a wise modern lady of many parts. This has made my job easier. He told them about the French invention and told them that before they landed in London he would present them couple of packets. They went back to their cabin and Homi was looking at pictures in ‘Men Only’, when he saw a Tamill magazine in Mut’s hands with an illustration of a Tamil film actress. The picture concentrated on her bosom. Homi- ‘By jove. They are huge’. Mut with a smile – ‘Homi uncle do you want to have a look’ and handed over magazine to Homi who gave him his Men Only. And both were happy.
By the time they reached the Gulf of Suez, Homi had become friendly with the boys. Sat no longer had his holy veeboothi on his forehead but had progressed to beer and ham and cheese sandwiches. Mut was no longer wearing his turban all the time but had let down his hair .Sweta talked him into this. He looked a modern hippy but the effect of his partially shaved head where hair had now grown drew whoos and haas from the ladies. Both of them had the basic steps of dancing. On dance nights Mut was in great demand as a partner much to the annoyance of Homi who considered himself a Casanova. You could see the look of frustration when Sweta partnered Mut.
On a warm late evening the ship docked at port Suez and had to wait till the next morning to be guided by the pilots through the canal. Homi took the boys into Suez town to a night club to see the famous Egyptian belly dancers at a cabaret. Soon Homi was high on his whisky, Sat on his beer even Mut on his spiked lemonade. Homi warned that the Egyptians in Suez were thieves and warned to be careful of their money, passport and shoes. The belly dancing started with a clash of cymbals and a bevy of semi nude dancers were cavorting swinging their hips and their bellies. The music was sensual and familiar to Indian ears. The boys had never seen anything like this and gaped and got into the mood. The dancers made their way through the audience, cuddling and kissing some of them. Mut was most popular and his hair was tussled and he was kissed often and he had a close view of many bare bellies. Sat and Homi were jealous at all this attention that Mut got. When the club closed they gathered their shoes and Homi found that his expensive Moccasins were missing. A street vendor offered to sell him a pair of chappals at an exorbitant price. Homi was furious. They went back to the ship Homi in the centre with the boys on either side supporting him as his chappal clad foot was painful to walk in all the distance. Homi was singing loudly an old bar song ‘If she doesn’t get kissed and mushed on Saturday night she never will.’ Homi sang the first part and the boys shouted ‘SHE NEVER WILL ‘at the top of their voices. Sweta was on the deck to receive them and asked innocently ‘Homi. What happened to you shoes?’ Homi ‘The fucking -------‘. Sweta- ‘now, now Homi watch you words.’
Homi slept it off the next day when the ship made its sedate passage through the Suez Canal while the boys were on the deck lapping it up. On the left bank there were camps of the occupying British army. By evening they reached Port Said at the end of the canal. The ship turned left and went full speed ahead into the Mediterranean Sea past Alexandria where, in the famous battle of the Nile, Nelson destroyed Napoleon’s fleet. It was very nice with a cool breeze blowing all the time and the sea had a deep aquamarine colour which had fascinated two famous Indian scientists who won the Nobel Prize. There were deck games and the boys, having shed all their inhibitions, enjoyed themselves. In ring tennis Sat won the tournament. There was a small pool on the top deck and two boys having seen scantily clad ladies only in Ravi Verma posters were ogling the ladies in swimming dress. Sweta and Homi were permanent features in the swimming pool. Sweta got the boys make shift swimming suits and dragged them in one morning. Homi gave them a condescending look at the timid boys. There were water games, under water swimming and soon the boy’s native swimming skills shone though. Homi who was till then the expert got dethroned much to Sweta’s delight.
The sight of Sweta in a swimming suit was too much for the boys. Even Ravi Varma’s poster of scantily clad Kerala women was not a match. Mut put things in proper perspective by saying ‘But yarr .She is our aunt’. The swimming pool; became their favourite haunt. They sailed by the toe of Italy and Malta. They were near Gibraltar when it was announced that they will make a brief halt for technical reasons and that passengers may go ashore for a few hours. Mut on Sweta’s advice had stopped wearing his turban and had wrapped it up to be used only for very special occasions. They went as a group and saw the sights – the Spanish border and the rock. Disaster struck when a monkey snatched Homi’s expensive straw hat much to Homi’s anger. There was a saying that as long as the monkeys ( called Barbary Macaques) were there Gibraltar will be a British enclave. Judging by the number of monkeys the Brits were safe for a long time. At night the ship sailed into the Bay of Biscay and the quiet balmy weather was replaced by turbulent seas and chill windy weather. Not many ventured out off their cabin. When the sea was really turbulent most of the passengers were sea sick and could not stand the sight of food. The dining room was almost empty except for Sat and Mut. Their appetite seemed to have increased and the violent movement of the ship, which made the dining chairs move about and would have crashed but for the chains which held them to the floor, had no effect on them.
On a grey dull, misty, cold and miserable day Jal Azad sailed up Thames and docked into Tilbury docks. Everyone was busy disembarking. Homi bid goodbye to the boys and gave them each two packets as gifts Sweta gave them a big hug and kiss and said she would pick them up the next evening for dinner. Everything was a shade of grey with no colour and grimy and the boys were depressed. Train to Victoria and a taxi dropped them off at the Indian Students hostel near Russell square. They went in to check and the reception desk told them – ‘Do not leave the luggage on the pavement. London is no longer safe. You have to lug it in yourselves ‘. Sat and Mut used to having things done by servants had a fore taste of the life ahead in ex capital of the empire. Their room in the attic was tiny, freezing with bunk beds. Dinner in the basement was miserable, with English waitresses, scraggy, smelly and pale, calling them dearies and giving them welcoming pecks on the cheeks which made the tasteless mush of food more undesirable. In the bedroom they assuaged their hunger by murrukku and cheedai. Some thing was nagging them and suddenly they remembered the packets of gifts given by Homi .They opened them and found to their amusement a big box of condoms for each. They fell asleep trying to work out how to use it.
The next day they bought themselves raincoats and ventured out to see the sights of London town. They had packed two parcels of murruku and chedai and bought two bottles of gin to give to Homi and Sweta.They went to the Tower of London and were turned away by the burly beefeater guard- ‘You Heathens. Don’t you know it is Sabbath and the Tower is closed for visitors’? Sat and Mut were frightened but regained their courage after retreating a little and shouted- ‘You rude Pommy thief. You not only steal our Kohinoor but won’t allow us to have a look. ‘
They landed at Veeraswamy to be greeted by Homi and Sweta who were very touched by the presents the boys gave. Veeraswamy is a venerable old restaurant started in the heydays of the empire in the year of the present queen’s birth. Meant for the well heeled and rich it was not only expensive but super expensive. There was look of incredulity on Sat’s and Mut’s face. Sweta seeing the look on the boys face asked not to look at the prices but order what they liked. They gorged themselves and after the boiled vegetables for four weeks this was divine. Homi and Sweta dropped them off at their hostel. Fully satiated and happy they discussed Sweta and Homi.
Mut- ‘Sat – they married?’
Sat- ‘You stupid fellow. Sweta is just Homi’s girl friend.’
Mut- ‘What! She goes along with him as a wife without marriage? I wish we had similar things in India.’
Sat- ‘Wait. We will also have girl friends. I read the English girls are rather free after the war.’
So dreaming of girl friends they fell asleep.
Raja Ramakrishnan
29th August 2011
Highly entertaining reading!
Posted by: Rohan | August 31, 2011 at 04:30 AM
Thanks Rohan. It is nice to see youngsters liking the sedate innocent life we had.
ramkrishnan
Posted by: ramakrishnan | September 01, 2011 at 01:10 AM
Poor Mut and Sat, I wish they had better names!
Posted by: flowergirl | September 01, 2011 at 08:09 AM
Sweta is to blame
Ramakrishnan
Posted by: Ramakrishnan | September 02, 2011 at 06:22 AM
i dig it thath.. it was a pleasure reading this
-CNE
Posted by: CNE | September 17, 2011 at 08:58 PM
Mr R, I dont know how I missed reading this highly entertaining story, but at least it's not too late to read it now :) Before I go off to read Part 2, can I ask how much of this story is autobiographical? ;)
Posted by: shyam | February 09, 2012 at 08:24 AM