THE TAIL OF TWO CLUBS

 

                                      THE TAIL OF TWO CLUBS

       In the city of Chennai (called Madras previously and renamed Chennai by the new rulers without realising Madras was also called Chennai Pattinam    in the old days) the British after they consolidated set up what they called ‘Clubs’ where they could gather and drink away the hot evenings while smoking cheroots.  They had a club for racing, one cricket, one for boating, one for sports and to cap it all a super one for the super nabobs where only the highest in their pecking order was allowed. The World War II and the consequent bankruptcy of the British government made them give up the Indian Empire in a hurry and the sovereignty reverted to the locals. To many Brits in Madras the loss of the clubs to the locals (some of whom did not know the correct use of western toilets) was more disturbing than the loss of the empire. Changes had taken place even before the Brits left and some of the clubs had a sizable Indian membership. A rear guard action was taken by a tactical retreat and consolidation of the Brits in two clubs. Then the walls of one club were breached and some Indians got in but stern measures were taken to safe guard the last bastion. The inside story of the rearguard action is not recorded but snippets can be picked up from the conversations of the spirits who still hover round.

 

      These days you do not see or hear spirits of dead people wandering about. It used to be quite common before the modern world with its light and noise hid them. Some say spirits go to a Paradise with lots of pretty women if you die as a jihadist or to a hell filled with boiling oil if you are a coward and do not do your duty. Some say your are forgiven and resurrected. Nobody knows but even though you do not see or hear them they are still around and visit the sites where they had a happy time when alive. There is a charged atmosphere when they are around but you do not feel it because of excessive electromagnetic radiation from modern gadgets.

 

       Macallan, Johnny Walker, Bushmill, Gordon and Boodles - all from Great Britain were in Madras over various periods from 1870 and were active members of the super club called the Ace of Clubs. They had all gone back to their homes and were buried in Scotland, Ireland, and England. Their spirits used to meet and talk about their old days and especially evenings and nights in the club. After the financial crisis 0f 1988 and the return of conservatives to power life in GB even for spirits became very dull and difficult. The four spirits met and decided to return to their old haunt the ace of Clubs in Madras. Macallan and Johnny Walker were members of the club in late 19^th century, and Bushmill, Gordon and Boodles in the mid 2oth century. The club was their lives, wives and family and there were no worlds beyond.

        On their way back through the stratosphere they had to avoid the satellites and so the journey was not fast. Haig and Walker regaled them with stories of old club situated in large expanse of land off the regal route Mount Road leading from the fort to Governors residence.

     SCENE 1

        Macallan –‘You boys will not realise the opulence of club. There were bars, swimming pond, dining rooms, dancing rooms, billiards room, smoking room and much more.’

       Walker –‘And you know what -the club was women free. They had to wait in their carriages for pick up their husbands. No chatter of children. Thank lord. Only for the Balls were the ladies allowed. You have to have a female for dancing unfortunately!’ 

      Boodles-‘You boys really lived it down. You were at the height of the empire. No world wars yet to wind down the Empire and our clubs and no Winny to empty the British treasury and make us indebted to the Yanks.’

      Walker- ‘Those were the days I tell you. We had the Natives under our thumbs and we lorded over the country. It was worth staying in this hot, fetid place rather than in our damp, cold miserable Isles where we had to do everything ourselves and no Madras curry to warm and no bearers to attend to us.’

       Bushmill-‘We left lovely clubs all over India and I am sure the Indians would have a mess of them. We did our level best to hang on to them but we did not get any help from our High Commissioner in Delhi. He told us that exclusive clubs was out of question and advised us to take Indian members after careful selection. That was the breach and we soon lost control after early sixties.’

       Gordon- ‘We will soon find out what mess they have made.’

        Macallan- ‘And then who will forget the visit of HRH Prince of Wales to our club in 1875 and the dinner ball we arranged for him?’

        Gordon and Boodles (together) –‘Oh I say were there at the ball? We have read so much about it.  I hear the HRH was quite a gut with the gals. He got away with it then.’

        Walker- ‘ The stupid English had to import Huns to rule us. As though they were no Scots available.’

         Bushmill-‘You Scots had your chance but made a mess of it. Your James II had to be packed off.  You are no good at anything but distilling liquor and even this was taught to you by us.’

    Walker- ‘ Who is taking? I hear our Scotch has helped the British economy and has helped them to rule the Empire.’

     Boodles - ‘Now now boys. Let us hear Macallan on the HRH ball in the Madras club. When did it take place?’

         Macallan- ‘In1875. The HRH was in top form as Prince of Wales. He had an eye for girls and was quite open about. Once the royalty accepted the invitation for the ball the club worked overtime to spruce the club for the visit. They even made a private room for him to relax.’

     Boodles- ‘ Did he behave like a Hun. I read somewhere he called himself Prince of Saxony.’

 Macallan -‘Far from it. He was perfect Englishman and behaved impeccably. After World War 1 his son George V called the family the house of Windsor. He was very considerate to the natives and insisted they be treated properly. Our Bar bottle boy Munshi talked about nothing else for years but the HRH’s kindness and consideration.’

Boodles- ‘Of well a change in name does not change people. Look at Edward the VIII ‘

Macallan- ‘I do not know. It was beyond my time. But this HRH was gracious and thoroughly appreciated the show we put up. The club was spruced and lit up with candles in all sparkling chandeliers. The road to the club was lit up with new lights on the way. The club was given a new coat of chunnam wash.’

Gordon- ‘Only candle lights. Was there enough light for a ball?’

Macallan-‘You will be surprised. The chandeliers were made of bohemian crystal glass and they captured all the light. The yellow glow added to the romance. The soft light with its yellow glow captured the beauty of the ladies. I can tell you those days we had a bevy of beauties in Madras. The H.R.H arrived promptly at 9pm ,was escorted up the steps  and when he stepped into the huge ball room, with the band paying ‘God save the Queen’, his eyes lit up at the sight of the lovely ladies.’

Boodles-‘I read that this ball was a terrific affair and London papers were all praise.’

Macallan- ‘You are telling me. I was there and was in charge of the bar. We had stocked up Hocks from Germany for his Highness. After a few glasses his eyes lit up and he was in his elements dancing away to glory. He danced with all the beauties and we had quite a few swooning in his arms as he twirled them round. And then the hock had to come out and HRH was taken down the stairs to the lounge which was specially prepared for him. The bathroom had the latest Dolton fitting in the loo. He was left alone to do the job. Waiting outside were the bears waiting for the royal command’.

Gordon-‘I read somewhere that he stayed on till 4am.’

Macallan- ‘True. The time he spent alone in the changing room and what happened is a matter of speculation. There were rumours that he sent for Munshi, the bottle boy in the bar and had a long chat. It is all hush hush.’

Boodles- ‘Who was this Munshi?’

Macallan- ‘I was the bar member and I know a lot about this boy. His name was Munichamy. He was clever, honest lad and kept a tab on the dishonest Anglo Indian barman and kept me informed. But his forte was palm reading and astrology and was said to be quite good at it. The governor and his wife consulted him and the rumour was that he was recommended to HRH who was anxious to know how long he had to wait before he became the King. It was all hush hush. I hope we run into Munshi and make him to talk about his now.’

Boodles-‘He we are almost there. Look down below.’

All others together- ‘No way. We are over Europe. Look at the lights. Madras will be dark.’

Boodles-‘You forget we are travelling at speeds faster than sound. It is 21^st century and Madras is no longer a candle lit village of your times. Oops that debris almost hit me. It must remains of one of their rockets.’

There was amazed silence from the others as they saw well lit city.

Gordon-‘By gad look at the planes taking off. This is a mini Heathrow.’

Macallan-‘Let us first go to the old club.’

They descended over Express mall. Macalalan, Walker and Bushmills could not believe at the sight unfolding before their eyes. The whole area had a big blazing buildings filled with shops and people. Gone were the old stately buildings and trees.

Walker-‘What has happened to Hick’s bungalow? Look at the surrounding mess.’

Macallan-‘Hey they have girls giving massage.’

Walker-‘you bloody well are not going there, you randy fellow.’

They heard a loud wailing voice crying- ‘ Ellam poche. Ellam poche.  Ayayaoo. Ayayoo.’

A wailing man, beating his breast and wearing a grade 7 uniform of the old club confronted them.

Macallan-‘Munshi by gad. Am I glad to see you’?

Walker-‘what are you babbling Munshi.’

Munshi-‘Club gone Master. No club master. Me very sad.’

Bushmill-‘Stop wailing Munshi. All is not lost. We recreated the Club in a new place.’

Walker-‘You were mad to sift out of this lovely place’.

Bushmill-‘Blame Adolf, Winny and the World War2 which made us bankrupt and made us give back India to the Indians. The club was broke with loss of members after the war. We did not want to admit Indians as we wanted a place for ourselves. So we sold the old pace and moved to a new down the road.’

Boodles-‘Mac. Why don’t you ask him about what he told HRH?’

Macallan-‘That is a good idea. Hey Munshi .You remember when HRH visited our club he sent for you down stairs for a chat with you? Tell us what happened’

Munshi- ‘No Master. No talk. Too private. The great king swore me not to talk. Otherwise he cut off my head in the Tower ‘

Boodles- ‘Now look here Mushy. The great grand daughter is now queen and all others are dead and gone. You can talk safely. They do not behead people in the tower these days. I tell you what. If you tell us we will take you to the new club and you can hover round there instead of this mall.’

Munshi still looking unconvinced-‘Are you sure Sar. HRH told me no talk till he dead. Is there a new club?’

   Macallan.- ‘Yes.Munshi.You are quite safe. You can tell us and it will go no further. After all I sent you down to HRH for a chat.’

    Munshi- ‘As soon as I entered the room the great queen’s son called me to come and sit by his side. I was shivering, went and touched his feet and sat at his feet. He asked me to call him Teddy if I wished. First he wanted to know how long he to wait before he became King. I looked at his palm and prayed and told him twenty six years.’

    Boodles-‘By gad .That was clever. What was the HRH’s reaction?’

    Munshi-‘He was happy that he could carry on for some time with his love life. The great Queen to do work and he could enjoy for some more time.’

    Walker-‘Did he talk about his philandering life style?’

    Munshi-‘No understand Sir. But very common In India to have many unofficial wives. The great king was wise to follow Indian custom.’

       Bushmill-‘Let us get going. I will take you down the road to the place where we built the new club after selling this one.’ 

So down the new year eve lit mount road they went.

    Gordon- ‘Look at the shops and display. The lights are all over. This looks like London town.’

And then they got lost .Bushmill had no clue where they were.

    Bushmill- ‘Where the fuck are we. It is somewhere on the right, with along driveway and tennis courts on the side. It is now a mass of buildings. I got it. That is The St George’s Cathedral on the left hidden by the monstrous building in front. Where the hell has the club gone?’

    Macallan-‘You sold our lovely club to move to this jungle. You must have been mad Bushmill.’

    Bushmill- ‘You left behind a crumbling set of ill maintained leaky buildings with no money in the coffers. So we sold it to a press baron and with the money built a new club on what was then a central quite site. We managed to maintain our purity of membership for a few more years thanks to the commercial crowd when government wallas went back after handing over the Empire to the natives. I tell you it was a compact nice club with nice rooms for bachelors and married executives.’

     Gordon-‘That is right it was a nice cosy club. We were done in by the government prohibition policy and the slow but steady exodus of our members returning home to an improving life back home after the war. I remember the Robbie burns dinner in the fifties when the wily chief minister of the State C.R was the chief guest. In a humorous speech he referred to the golden bottles of whisky and said members would not mind paying a little extra. The next day the price was doubled. ‘

    Walker-‘What happened to this place? It looks a terrible place to have a club’

     Gordon drags them all to the side lane and finally shows them a pediment with columns and says-‘Look this was the entrance to the club. It looks terrible now but the developers have taken over the place. We did not follow Micwaber's advice on balancing income and expenditure and the result was that we were broke. Though we allowed Indian as our guests into the club, unlike other clubs in Madras we did not take them in as members. We wanted our last bastion though the writing was on the wall.’

     Boodles-‘You fellows came begging to us to amalgamate- the club you fellows called ‘The stinky river club’.  We got the building for pittance rent from the arch bishop. We were wise and had already taken a few select Indians as members.’

     Gordon- ‘Now who is talking? You club building was in terrible shape. We had to get that Harris fellow from B&C Mills to check the place. We used the money from the sale of our club to prop you up’

          Boodles- ‘ Where would you be without us? Shut down and forgotten among the Imperial relics. WE taught you the way’.

Walker- ‘Now now don’t quarrel like school boys. Tell us briefly what happened and let us go over to the new place’.

Boodles-‘The long and shot of it is that we amalgamated. The stinky river club became the ace of clubs. Indian members were selectively accepted but we kept tight hold on the club as long as possible.’

Boodles led way and took a short cut over the sky. They were amazed at the construction and what had been open places of the choultry plain had buildings every inch of space. It was New Year eve and suddenly on the winding river there was this lovely building of Mowbray the merchant lit up and the lawns full of chairs, tables and milling with people, some dancing away to music on a small raised dancing floor. It was a fantastic sight and they just hovered and drank it up.

Macallan- ‘By gad this is fantastic. They have as many people as we had during HRH party. But what has the club come to? No DJs and youngsters all over the place. Not done in our time. ‘

Gordon-‘Times have changed since your time Mac. And remember this is a not a British Empire anymore.’

     Boodles- ‘Look at the bar with Johnny Walker, Talisker, Macallan and French wine and members drinking away to glory. I wonder what happened to the infamous prohibition’

     Gordon-‘And the stinky river does not stink much. I wonder what has to the ballroom and cupola covered with tarpaulins’

      Walker-‘Why did you give up such a nice club boodles’

     Boodles-‘we held on as long as possible. When our numbers dwindled we cleverly put three of our diehards as Secretary to see that conventions were kept up. We had an understanding that one ours would alternate as president. Exclusivity was lost when our High Commissioner Mac, son of the bolshie P.M of the twenties, advised us to move with the times. We very carefully screened the Indian members but the die was cast and in due course we lost control. But we saw that dress regulation and club spirit was ingrained into them.’

     Walker- ‘No cheroots and fags. Too many ladies and youngsters for my liking’.

      Boodles-‘The club is still there and that is what matters. It seems to be thriving. We saved your ACE OF CLUBS boys.’

     The spirits were so taken up by what they saw that they decided to stay on for some time and wander round to find out what was happening and satisfy themselves that the legacy that they had left behind was intact.

 

 

     (WAIT FOR PART TWO FOR THE SPIRIT'S REACTION TO THE TAIL 0F THE TWO CLUBS.)

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Kamini]

Good fun! Looking forward to the rest!

[shyam]

Waiting for Part 2, Mr R! :) This was a fun read! Is it ALL imagination? :)

[ramakrishnan]

Fictionised real story