Carnbuck Club (defunct) apologies from the grave to the original Goldilocks and the three Bears.This play is reproduced without the permission of the of the defunct Carnbuck club, the playwright and the actors and all those who contributed to it. Unfortunately there are few survivors.
This play was written and produced over three decades ago by the Carnbuck Club dramatic society.Dramatic activity was popular with the employees of the company as a recreation and a relaxant from the pressures of work.The Carnbuck Club dramatic society was an old one and had produced annual plays regularly which were very popular.This was one of the last ones before the activities ceased with the Company's problems and its take over.
The play was a parody on the company problems and on the difficulties parents faced in arranging matrimony in an age when the girls did not find their own husband! It is a forerunner of Cho's political satires.
1
GOLDILOX AND THE THREE BARES
(With the Carnbuck Club’s apologies to the original Goldilocks and Bears)
SCENE I: Living room of Goldilocks’s father’s house - a pleasant, comfortable room)
Father: (Reading a newspaper. A pile of books is beside him; they look like Balance Sheets. He looks nondescript in appearance but looks worried).
Mother: (Is impatiently pacing the floor. She is tall and overbearing and the father is
obviously dominated by her. She is well past middle age, reasonably attractive in appearance and looks as if she has a sharp tongue.)
Mother: (Impatiently): What on earth are you doing - you are no help at all - can’t you see I am anxious……
Father: (Resignedly): Yes dear…
Mother: Will you stop “yes Dearing” me? Ever since you invested in Binny shares
you’ve done nothing but look at Balance Sheets. I can’t even read the
newspaper, because you cut out eh latest share values.
Father: I’m sorry dear. What do you want me to do, I’m so anxious.
Mother: About what! Oh, I know it is those shares - all you think of is figures!
Father: Figures?
Mother: Yes, figures. Not women’s, stupid - share figures. Two years ago all you could say was Rs. 49 - then suddenly it became Rs. 55 - and you kept talking about something called Decentralization - now you say Profit and At Par.
Father: But dear
Mother: (Mimicking him) “But dear” - what is the use of “but dear” - I’m so worried - and all you say is dividend, dividend (she sobs).
Father: (Rises and tries awkwardly to comfort her; he picks up the cleaning mop and tries to dry her tears; she pushes him away). All right dear - what is the matter?
Mother: The matter? It’s Goldilocks - our darling little daughter Goldilocks - she’s - er er - thirty five years old and not yet married - Oh dear, what are we to do - she’ll be an old maid!
(Song from Father and Mother)
Oh dear, oh dear, what are we going to do, to do
Can we find a husband for our Cuckoo,
Oh, she will be an old maid, old maid
Of that we are mightily afraid, afraid,
Wedlock is the state she must be in
Or else, oh dear, she might even sin
But she is so tall, so tall,
Never mind, in love we must make her fall.
Somehow, somehow, we must make it happen
And catch a man, and catch a man nappin’
Oh yes, oh yes, we’ll haul up our socks
And find a husband for our beloved Goldilocks!
Mother: She falls in love constantly- indiscriminately- but no body falls in live with her- look at her picture on the wall- she is so lovely, so delicate- like a rose petal- so young- so untouched- so full of virtue, so modest- so good
Father: (looks dubiously at the picture on the wall)- isn’t that going a bit too far- she is awkward and gangling- she is old and angular- and if she is virtuous, it is not for want of trying to be otherwise- look at her clothes- look at her behavior with men.
Mother: Ridiculous- how can you talk of your daughter like that- she is yours you know.
Father: (with some spirit) How do I know that she is mine? In those days you were very friendly with Ben Leopard you know.
Mother: After thirty years of marriage you are now accusing me of being unfaithful. Why did I marry a man like you
(starts weeping. Father looks uncertainly. Takes the floor mop and wipes her tears)
Mother: (with revulsion) Not the mop you sop.
Father: There you go “yes Dearing” me again- the whole trouble is she does not have a dowry- you are no good at all.
Father: That is not true dear. I have offered to give a hundred shares of Binny Limited.
(starts) Why don’t we advertise?
Mother: Advertise for what?
Father: (excitedly) - Advertise for a husband for Goldilocks.
Mother: What an idea. The humiliation of it.
Father: We must be practical dear- she is going to be thirty six and twenty two.
Mother: How dare you talk of our daughter’s measurements like that- are you a tailor?
Father: No dear, they are not her measurements- I meant she is going on to thirty six years and we have been looking for a husband for her for twenty two years- no body wants to marry her- the only sensible thing to do is to advertise in the Hindu.
Mother: Very well. What will we say?
Father: Wanted a man with good liquidity and a favorable profit forecast, who by the use of discounted cash flow will give a return on investment of 10% after tax- he must have good growth prospects.
Mother: I do not want a man with growth prospects for a son-in-law. Two years after marriage he will look like a Hippo.
Ah! I got it- we will say- “Beautiful soft, sweet, modest girl, excellent family, wealthy parents, wants a companion for life from wealthy cosmopolitan bachelors- No horoscopes-advertising for selection”.
Song by Father:
“We’ve got it, we’ve got it, we’ve got it
A description, a description, but who will it fit
The right man I must find,
But to love Goldilocks he’ll have to be blind”
Song by Mother:
“Oh, how can you, how can you be so mean
Goldilocks is as radiant as a queen,
Her eyes, her eyes are stars,
How can you say she’s like the planet Mars”.
Song Together:
“Never mind, mind, a husband for her we will get,
On that our goal is now well set
To find a man, a suitable man we will advertise
Oh Gods above we are sure you will sympathize,
Please, oh please, come to our rescue
With heads bowed and hands joined we beg you”.
CURTAIN
SCENE II
Goldilocks’ bedroom
Goldilocks has just women up - she is large, ungainly, middle-aged, is obviously wearing a wig - she is wearing a short nightie - rather diaphanous.
Goldilocks: (Stretching) Aah, another day - what a night, and what a hangover I have! Ooh, my head feels as if it’s going to come off. Frenchie! Bring me a cup of tea!
Enter maid with a tea tray - she’s a real slattern.

Goldilocks: Ah, there you are, cup of tea!
Maid: Or would you like some gin, that’s what you usually have when you get up.
Goldilocks: Gin? No, no gin.
Maid: Rum?
Goldilocks: No rum.
Maid: What’s the matter with you this morning? Was it last night’s party?
Goldilocks: Yes, it was the Mill Manager’s party. He gave me lots of Royal Salute, and danced Scottish reels with me for hours. Oh, my poor legs! Do you know what he did, Frenchie? He had his Quality Control Staff inspect me….my dress. Ooh. I shall sing a song.
“You are my darling sunshine, my only sunshine”
Oh! Oh! Frenchie! Mop up my eyes!
(maid mops up Goldilock’s eyes)
Maid: Stop feeling sorry for your self Goldilocks- do you know what day today is?
Goldilocks: I don’t and more over I don’t care. (lights a cigarette- takes a couple of
puffs and disgustedly stubs it out) -Oof I feel awful- I shall never drink again- in fact I think I will give up smoking as well.
Maid: But Miss you must look your best today-three youg bears are coming to see
meet you.
Gold: Bears? Did you say bears? I can’t be hearing right.
Maid; I did say bears.They are three young men with family name Bears. I hear they got it because they behave like bears
Gold: Oh yes, oh yes- I must dress- I must look my best- I have been trying to find a husband for twenty years- and today is the day- oh this wretched hangover.
Maid; (Unsymphathetically0 Try king size aspirin- or better still take you usual slug of gin.
Gold: Perhaps it is better- it will steady my nerves- what shall I wear (examines the clothes in her cupboard). I think this will be ideal- micromini skirt, see through blouse, lots and lots of perfume- and a come hither look in my eyes- they won’t be able to resist me- perhaps I will marry all three of them.
Maid: At the same time or one after another?
Gold: ( Dances excitedly around the room). No, no, no- I am just being funny stupid- I am going to hook me a man- I wonder what he will be like-tall, dark and handsome or short, fat and ugly- it makes no difference as long as he has lots of money- come on hurry- pass me my things. (Starts dressing).
Powder- what an alabaster complexion I now have
Lipstick- look at this ruby red lips
Rouge- rosy cheeks beautiful
Beauty spot- even Cleopatra couldn’t have looked like this
Perfume- Oh, how heavenly- no man will be able to resist me
Deodorant- lovely- I feel exquisite
Nail varnish- such lovely hands, any man’s heart will beat faster and my feet will be like twinkling daisies
And now the dress (retreats behind a screen- emerges dressed in a micro mini, see thru blouse and slippers). Oh the hair- what a glistening mass- it is like burnished gold. (Poses in front of the mirror, does a couple of dance steps and whirls to the maid). Am I not beautiful- aren’t I the loveliest woman in the world- and I am going to get a husband- every one will fall in love with me- Ah more gin-Mmmmmm good.
Maid: You look tolerable.
Gold: You lock kneed slattern- tolerable- I am exquisite, captivating, radiant, gorgeous- even the Napoleonic Nijibail Bhat will fall in love with me- how lucky I am to be so glamorous- and how the lucky will be the man who marries me.
Maid: Suppose like all others, they refuse you?
Goldi: (takes another sip). What a ridiculous idea - you old hag - of course they’ll want to marry me. Who can resist me now? Who are they, I wonder.
Maid: They are three brothers who live together. They don’t always get along.
Gold: Come on, come on, stop dithering. What are their names? Oh yes, I remember, the eldest is Armenian Bear - the other two are twins; one is called Carnatic Bear and the other Mill Bear. What romantic names - who will I choose? Oh, let me see the mirror again. Am I not beautiful? Are they rich?
Maid: They were. They come from a very old family and a famous historian, Francis D’Souza, has written a book about them. Utter bore - not the book, but the people in it. Anyway, a couple of years ago they became very poor - but they seem to be restoring their fortunes now.
Goldi: Never mind all that - are they rich? Yes or no?
Maid: I’m trying to tell you -
Goldi: Let’s have another drink (lights a cigarette - seems slightly tipsy). How I’m longing to get married! I’ll have lots of money and I’ll be able to drink and smoke and have a lovely time.
ENTER MOTHER
Mother: Oh my darling, precious little girl - how lovely you look! Such a good girl - while other girls drink, you only have water. Funny-smelling water, this.
Maid: Yes Madam, some effluent got into it. I’ll speak to the Chief Chemist to be more careful.
Mother: Never mind, let’s go down and meet our visitors. I’m so excited - that advertisement in the Hindu was just ideal. We’ve got three replies and we’ve asked them to call today. They’ve called.
Song, all together:
We’re going to find a husband
We’re going to comb the land
Will he be tall, dark and handsome
Or thin, fair and -
Does it matter, does it matter - no no, not a jot,
We want him to be rich and love Goldilocks a lot
Rich, rich, rich he must be
Without riches he’d be no better than a flea
Goldilocks, Goldilocks, is so ravishing
And he will surely find her fascinating
Come, come, we must be on our way,
We’ll never find a husband if we stay!
SCENE III: :Living Room of Goldilocks’ father’s house
(Mother and Father are seated; Goldilocks is standing seductively by the mantel piece).
Goldi: Ooh, I wish they’d hurry up and come. I’m so excited! Who will I choose? (does a little gig). Aren’t I beautiful, and isn’t my figure divine? I know they’ll say I’m more lovely than…ooh, ooh, I can’t wait!
Father: (looks at her, shudders and turns away). Perhaps dear you should be a bit more modest in your dress- I mean most men like homely girls who know music. That is what they all seem to advertise for.
Mother: You are really stupid- Phew- “Homely and Music”- what nonsense- they all advertise for convent educated girls and she looks just like one of them- anyway what do you want her to wear?
Father: Something that will really flatter her- show off strong points and hide her weak ones- you know just like Companies do now a days
Mother: Perhaps he is right dear- why don‘t you change into something simple Goldilocks. Daddy is so old fashioned. (Goldilocks Exits)
Mother: I hope she is not annoyed.
( Tap on the door)
Father: Come in.
(Enter Armenian Bear)
( He is fat, dignified and pompous, well passed middle age)
Arm Bear: Good Morning- are you the advertiser in Box 420 in the Hindu last week?
Mother: Yes,Yes,Yes- we are - please sit down- what will you have to drink- you are so handsome.
Arm Bear: To drink- well, I only drink Black Dog or Chivas Regal at eleven in the morning-perhaps some Five Star Brandy will do.
Mother: Oh dear, Oh dear- we don’t have all that-we don’t even get toddy now that the shops are closed- would you like some water?
Arm Bear: No thanks.
Father: Very well - you must meet my daughter.
Mother: Goldilocks. (Off stage. Coming Mother.)
Father: My daughter is young, beautiful and modest- I have many offers of marriage for her- and only advertised for selection.
ENTER GOLDILOCKS DRESSED IN BURQUA
Goldi: Yes mother- (demurely)
Father: What on earth are you wearing?
Goldi:: (wiggles seductively)- You told me to be modest- Ah! Who is this (she walks to him)
Father: Goldilocks, this is Mr. Armenian Bear who has come to meet you.
Goldi: (Does two or three outrageous dance steps which burl her burka upwards). How thrilling (strokes his face)- what a gorgeous man- I like your tummy (prods it )
Arm.Bear: (Backs away- in fact lowering his dignity) Ahem. Young lady - your father advertised.
Goldi: Isn’t he cue- Mr. Bear, what big eyes you have got- Oh you are a lovely man- so romantic- and I don’t mind your false teeth a bit.
Arm. Bear: (Looks shaken). (To father) As your daughter has the advantage of seeing me, it is but fair that I should now see what she looks like- I am very careful about my investments now, particularly in the human resource..
Goldi: Naughty, naughty - you want a preview- not till we are married, lovely boy- Mmmm you look divine (tries to link arms with him-Armenian Bear backs away hastily) why aren’t you- I like that- so manly.
Arm Bear: (to father) Sir I made what some people call- though I don’t agree- a mistake with one of my investments a few years back- and now I must be doubly careful- I insist on inspecting all goods I purchase.
Goldi: I am not goods- I am a baggage-you won’t find me wanting only a little wanton- Lover boy- why don’t you invite me over to your house, some time. (Tries to dance with him round the room.)
Father: Now, now Goldilocks----
Arm Bear Young lady (tries to disengage himself) if you will please release me, I would like to speak to your father (finally succeeds to disentangle himself) Sir, I come from a proud and ancient t family. Our family fortunes have recently been restored- I am earnest and industrious- my orders are instantly obeyed - you can find no better man than myself- now tell me about your daughter.
Father: (nervously) My daughter, er er My daughter
Mother: Goldilocks is the embodiment of all that is good- she is pure as a lily- as timid as a fawn- as beautiful as the moon and the stars and so virtuous.
Goldi: ( ruffles Armenian Bear’s hair familiarly) Where do you live Lover Boy ( he turns to her) Oh there- I will come and see you at 5pm and then you can have a preview of Goldilocks-Aah aah aah- (struck by a sudden thought) Have you got any whisky?
Arm Bear: My cellar is the pride of the land- my parties are lavish- I serve only vintage scotch.
Goldi: Lover Boy!
Arm Bear: Very well Sir, it was pleasant to have met you and your wife (Goldilocks throws her arms round him and blows kisses as he exits)
Goldi: Isn’t he fab- and so rich- I like his sweet smile- so serious but such fun. Aah aaah aaah - wasn’t I modest and good and virtuous- and he never saw how beautiful I really am.
Father: You must be more restrained dear- I think you frightened him- your gown becomes you.
Mother: Do I hear a tap?
Father: Do come in.
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FIFTEEN MINUTES INTERMISSION FOR PIT STOP AND DRINKS BREAK.
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Most entertaining! The songs/ditties are terrific! Wish I had seen the original play in action!
Posted by: Ambika | January 20, 2008 at 12:38 AM
I remember seeing this drama during the Christmas party. I was a kid of about 15 years old then. Goldlocks was played by Ramakrishnan uncle and the nurse by Sadagopan uncle. Can never forget those wonderful days. It is like a dream. Kishore
Posted by: Kishore | April 02, 2011 at 03:41 PM