A Raja's Life and Stories: Harry's advice on dealing with snakes in the house.

It was a rainy night with cyclonic winds blowing with a booming noise. The rain was coming down in torrents. It was very chilly with temperature down to 15* Celsius - rather unusual for Madras. It was very gloomy with lights flickering like candles due to low voltage and threatening to go off any moment. I decided that it was the right time and weather to have a whisky. It did not go well with Vasanta but she just frowned at me. We usually sit in the upstairs dining room cum sitting room when we are alone and the drinks cupboard is in the downstairs drawing room. I went down and poured myself a ‘Patiala peg’ of Scotch and went up. The cyclone was at its height and the wind making a noise like a siren and some branches were crashing down. The Patiala peg was despatched and a warm glow suffused through me. I heard the gate opening and heard our watchman Sukmaran come in. This gave a good excuse for topping and I went down.

After greeting Sukumaran I went to the drinks cupboard and poured another peg . I had just taken a few steps when I saw a shiny thing moving. I stepped over, had a sip and looked back. Good lord! Did I see a snake? Impossible. Took a big gulp and went up. The Scotch spiked my brain.

“Darling. Get me torch. I think there is a snake downstairs”

“I think you had one too many. Here is the torch”- Vasanta

I went down and shone the torch near the cupboard and there was a snake coiled up.

“Darling it is a snake. Come and see.”

“I told you to stop with one. Oh well. I shall come down”.

Vasanta came down and was shocked to see the snake. Sukumaran was an old Kerala hand from the backwoods who claimed to have seen innumerable snakes and tigers and elephants. He had regaled our grandchildren with tales of his encounters in the forest. He was the ideal person to see off the snake. We called Sukumaran and he had one look and beat a hasty retreat to the neighbour’s house and did not turn up for the next few days. We were both unnerved and arguing as to what to do. I had another sip of Scotch to get the brain cells working with glaring looks from my wife. We phoned Bobjee, the chairman of the Naturalist society. He did not come up with any practical suggestions. Finally we hit on the idea of phoning Harry Miller. He was a well known expatriate, an expert on fauna and wild life, settled in Madras as it was cheaper to live and was well respected here. He was the secretary of the Madras Club where he saw that the English traditions were not thrown out.

Vasanta is the one who handles all phone calls as I am deemed to be deaf. The telcon must have gone on something like this. (Reconstructed from what Vasanta told me).

‘Hello. Can I talk to Mr.Harry Miller?’ -Vasanta

‘Master not available’ - Bearer

‘Is he at home?’ -Vasanta

‘Master too busy’ -Bearer

‘This an emergency’ -Vasanta

‘Master no talk. Master busy having drink’ - Bearer

Vasanta is desperate. ‘Please tell him I am from Madras Club.’

‘Why no tell Madras Club. Hold on. Will call Master’

Heard in the background was Harry’s gin sozzled voice- ’You dithering idiot Mariappan. Why did you not tell me it was Madras Club?’

‘Harry here’- Harry

‘Mr.Miller my husband is a member of Madras club. We have a snake in the house.’ - Vasanta

‘Madam, call me Harry. Madras Club members are not immune from snakes. I have a couple in my veranda just now. The rains have driven then in.’ - Harry

‘But Mr.Harry the snake is inside the house. I am scared. Please help me.’ -Vasanta

‘Madam calm down. The snake will not do anything to you if you let it alone. Get away from the room. Go to your bedroom, shut the door and go to sleep. In the mornig the snake would have gone. If it is still there give me a ring and I will bring some one to catch it. If your husband is there put him on.’ - Harry

‘Hello Harry.’ -Me

‘My friend your wife is in a state of terror. I am surprised that you Indians are terrified of snakes even after having lived among them for ages. We Brits have to teach you. Take your wife to the bedroom, shut the door and have a good night’s sleep. Give her a glass of milk laced with a lot of rum. I am sure you had your tipple’ -Harry

‘Yes. I am on my second double scotch’ -Me

‘ You Indians waste your money on overrated scotch. Your Rum and Gin are very good.If the snake is not gone tomorrow morning when you get up my name is not Harry. Good Night to you and your fair lady’ -Harry

The problem with our house was that it was designed by one of the nouvelle architects who had managed to hoodwink my wife. The result was that there were no doors downstairs, to give an illusion of space. The staircase was wide open for the snake to come up and explore upstairs. The only thing we could was to barricade the flimsy bed room door. There was no question of going downstairs for some rum. Rummaging the kitchen I found a small of rum used for cooking. I spiked our milk liberally with rum and went to the bedroom. We locked the door and piled all the chairs against the door. The rum and milk did the trick and we were dead to the world. No nightmares that night thanks to Harry’s drink.

I got up rather late with the glorious sunshine streaming through the window.The birds were creating a racket. Vasanta was fast asleep and gently snoring away. The previous night’s Scotch and milky rum had cleared all memories of the events of the night and snakes were not on my mind. I changed into my jogging dress and was just removing the barricades from the door, wondering why they were there when Vasanta screamed ‘Snake Close the door.’ Then it all came back to me. Like Jack and Jill, holding our hands, we carefully opened the door, we made sure that there was no snake upstairs. Then we went down step by step and peeped into the sitting room and there was no snake near the drinks cupboard. Opened the main door and ran up stairs. We hoped that if the snake was still around some where it would go out. We managed to get some neighbours to come and check that the snake had cleared off. We settled down after a few days but for a long time avoided going down stairs at night. The liquor was transferred to my bed room cupboard to avoid going down at night. Arguments have not settled the reason for the snake’s visit. I felt that it was the inclement weather but Vasanta felt it was the strong smell of liquor that attracted the snake.

Raja Ramakrishnan

30-10-2015

Chennai